Well, now I have a personal reference point to that phrase.....this was the week my hair fell out. On Tuesday morning, when I ran my fingers through my hair, I was surprised to find a large amount in my hand and I looked down to see strands of hair everywhere. Took a moment to register what was happening - I then ran a comb through my hair and even more came out. Curious and slightly fearful, I reached up, grabbed a small handful and gave a quick tug and....now had a significant handful of hair. I must admit I gulped hard and there were a few tears as I experienced yet another "first". Very mixed emotions - I knew I was going to lose my hair and was mentally prepared, but there is something a little unnerving about being able to pull your own hair out with no pain or any actual feeling whatsoever. It didn't take long to go from unnerved to annoyed, though. I'd be standing at the kitchen sink or sitting at the table and look down to see what appeared to be small furry animals on the counter or floor, not even realizing another chunk had come loose. I've said from the beginning I wasn't going to draw out this whole hair loss thing and I refused to look like I'd been in fight with several cats so I made an appt. to have my head shaved on Thursday morning.
I had such a full head of hair though, most of the initial losses were apparent only to me. Several friends and I had a good laugh over the thought of going into a bank or grocery store and feigning indignant frustration with some poor clerk and saying "This is driving me crazy, I could just pull my hair out!" and then reaching up and doing exactly that. Can you imagine? It would probably put the poor teenage grocery checker into therapy or something. Yep, even in the midst of all this, I haven't lost my perverse sense of humor.
By Thursday, a good portion of the hair was gone and I went in to have what was left shaved off. Again, the need to swallow hard and yes, a few tears were shed when the first buzz across my scalp made a sizeable whitewall above my right ear. With this cancer journey, there is no way to predict how the emotions will play out when there is yet another "first". Sometimes your head is ready, but your heart has to catch up. It took a few moments of silent reflection after my head was completely shaved to realize the human q-tip looking back in the mirror was really me.
But God is in the details and I was given two really amazing blessings with this hair experience that reminded me again how much He loves me, even in what seems like the smallest thing. I came home Wednesday evening to two packages in the mail, from two different people that had no idea I'd even begun to lose my hair, much less had an appt. the following day to get the rest shaved off. Both sent hats - my Aunt Myrna sent me two snuggly chemo caps and the other friend sent two SF Giants ball caps (one in pink :-) and an SF Giants scarf with a note that said she remembered how much I loved the Giants and thought they would come in handy.
The other blessing is my friend, Martin. He met me at the hair salon on Thursday morning and not only sat with me while I had my head shaved, he took the chair when I was done and had his head shaved too. He'd told me a few times prior to my hair actually falling out that when the time came, he would go with me and have his head shaved and, true to his word, he was right there with me. Just the offer alone was a sufficient gesture, but it really meant a lot that he was willing to be my bald buddy.
Now that I've been bald a few days and gotten used to it, there are a few practical things I've learned. First of all, having no hair is cold! I'm grateful for the snuggly fleece chemo caps because my head gets really cold. Also, getting ready in the morning is a snap - just wash and buff the head dry and that's it, ready to go! That part I like :-) And I look like a cancer patient now....that's a weird thing. I don't feel like a cancer patient, but can see people look at me a little differently, seeming to recognize the reason for the baldness and chemo caps and I'm getting a lot more offers of help in the grocery store, etc. Not a bad thing, but I realize that people who don't know me do see me differently now. You all know my thoughts on this though, having cancer is just one aspect of me, it doesn't define who I am.
Thankfully, there are no other significant side effects yet. The only other effect I'm starting to feel more and more is fatigue. I tire more easily in the evening and don't bounce back as quickly after short naps like I used to. Nothing unusual in that and I know I'll be even more fatigued as we go along. Overall, my energy is still good and I'm getting around on my own steam, but that may change soon. One more food casualty and would you believe it was chocolate?! Just doesn't smell or taste good to me anymore. I hope it's one of those "off again/on again" things like coffee turned out to be, but so far, it hasn't come back. Never dreamed there'd be a day that I wouldn't want my daily chocolate "fix"!
I'd thought about teaching half time, but God closed that door. I went in last Tuesday after school to finish 2nd quarter grades and a colleague told me over 100 kiddos had been out of school that day, sick with the flu. That's a tenth of our student population! Now you know if 100 are out, there are 100 more coming down with the flu and clearly, that was not something I needed to expose myself to. So, teaching half time is off the table for now. I really miss the kids, but need to keep myself healthy.
It was another week of so many blessings, friends, family, love, encouragement and support. I had another wonderful day trip, this time to the coast and spent the day at the beach with a dear friend. Just like our day together at Mt. Hood, this was another spectacular day with sunny skies, reasonably warm temperatures and light winds. Gorgeous! The beach is one of my favorite places to be, anywhere in the world. The sound of the ocean is God's lullaby to me, it was a really great day.
Chemo begins again on Friday, February 13th. The first day is a "double barrel" day with both chemo agents, Cisplatin and Etoposide, and we follow the same schedule as the last round. I'm told this round will hit me much harder than the first as my body has less reserves to fight the side effects than the first round. I'm grateful to have felt this good so far and am still hopeful the effects will be minimal. One good thing is I am coughing significantly less than when the chemo-rads. began and Dr. Kee says that is a good sign the radiation is affecting the tumor. Praises!
My dad arrives on Wednesday, from North Carolina, to stay with me for a few days and experience my new world. It will be great to have him here. I'm so fortunate to have my mom close by too, she is amazing. My blessings are many and I don't want to ever take any of them for granted.
My heartfelt thanks to all of you for your love, support and prayers, enjoy the day!
Susan
I had such a full head of hair though, most of the initial losses were apparent only to me. Several friends and I had a good laugh over the thought of going into a bank or grocery store and feigning indignant frustration with some poor clerk and saying "This is driving me crazy, I could just pull my hair out!" and then reaching up and doing exactly that. Can you imagine? It would probably put the poor teenage grocery checker into therapy or something. Yep, even in the midst of all this, I haven't lost my perverse sense of humor.
By Thursday, a good portion of the hair was gone and I went in to have what was left shaved off. Again, the need to swallow hard and yes, a few tears were shed when the first buzz across my scalp made a sizeable whitewall above my right ear. With this cancer journey, there is no way to predict how the emotions will play out when there is yet another "first". Sometimes your head is ready, but your heart has to catch up. It took a few moments of silent reflection after my head was completely shaved to realize the human q-tip looking back in the mirror was really me.
But God is in the details and I was given two really amazing blessings with this hair experience that reminded me again how much He loves me, even in what seems like the smallest thing. I came home Wednesday evening to two packages in the mail, from two different people that had no idea I'd even begun to lose my hair, much less had an appt. the following day to get the rest shaved off. Both sent hats - my Aunt Myrna sent me two snuggly chemo caps and the other friend sent two SF Giants ball caps (one in pink :-) and an SF Giants scarf with a note that said she remembered how much I loved the Giants and thought they would come in handy.
The other blessing is my friend, Martin. He met me at the hair salon on Thursday morning and not only sat with me while I had my head shaved, he took the chair when I was done and had his head shaved too. He'd told me a few times prior to my hair actually falling out that when the time came, he would go with me and have his head shaved and, true to his word, he was right there with me. Just the offer alone was a sufficient gesture, but it really meant a lot that he was willing to be my bald buddy.
Now that I've been bald a few days and gotten used to it, there are a few practical things I've learned. First of all, having no hair is cold! I'm grateful for the snuggly fleece chemo caps because my head gets really cold. Also, getting ready in the morning is a snap - just wash and buff the head dry and that's it, ready to go! That part I like :-) And I look like a cancer patient now....that's a weird thing. I don't feel like a cancer patient, but can see people look at me a little differently, seeming to recognize the reason for the baldness and chemo caps and I'm getting a lot more offers of help in the grocery store, etc. Not a bad thing, but I realize that people who don't know me do see me differently now. You all know my thoughts on this though, having cancer is just one aspect of me, it doesn't define who I am.
Thankfully, there are no other significant side effects yet. The only other effect I'm starting to feel more and more is fatigue. I tire more easily in the evening and don't bounce back as quickly after short naps like I used to. Nothing unusual in that and I know I'll be even more fatigued as we go along. Overall, my energy is still good and I'm getting around on my own steam, but that may change soon. One more food casualty and would you believe it was chocolate?! Just doesn't smell or taste good to me anymore. I hope it's one of those "off again/on again" things like coffee turned out to be, but so far, it hasn't come back. Never dreamed there'd be a day that I wouldn't want my daily chocolate "fix"!
I'd thought about teaching half time, but God closed that door. I went in last Tuesday after school to finish 2nd quarter grades and a colleague told me over 100 kiddos had been out of school that day, sick with the flu. That's a tenth of our student population! Now you know if 100 are out, there are 100 more coming down with the flu and clearly, that was not something I needed to expose myself to. So, teaching half time is off the table for now. I really miss the kids, but need to keep myself healthy.
It was another week of so many blessings, friends, family, love, encouragement and support. I had another wonderful day trip, this time to the coast and spent the day at the beach with a dear friend. Just like our day together at Mt. Hood, this was another spectacular day with sunny skies, reasonably warm temperatures and light winds. Gorgeous! The beach is one of my favorite places to be, anywhere in the world. The sound of the ocean is God's lullaby to me, it was a really great day.
Chemo begins again on Friday, February 13th. The first day is a "double barrel" day with both chemo agents, Cisplatin and Etoposide, and we follow the same schedule as the last round. I'm told this round will hit me much harder than the first as my body has less reserves to fight the side effects than the first round. I'm grateful to have felt this good so far and am still hopeful the effects will be minimal. One good thing is I am coughing significantly less than when the chemo-rads. began and Dr. Kee says that is a good sign the radiation is affecting the tumor. Praises!
My dad arrives on Wednesday, from North Carolina, to stay with me for a few days and experience my new world. It will be great to have him here. I'm so fortunate to have my mom close by too, she is amazing. My blessings are many and I don't want to ever take any of them for granted.
My heartfelt thanks to all of you for your love, support and prayers, enjoy the day!
Susan
2 comments:
I knew it! You DO have a nicely shaped head! I heard today from Kristin Sacks that I needed to read your blog so I headed home and did so. So that hair thing is behind you. Check that off. Ever onward toward health. You are doing terrific! with love, Melissa
Hi Susan, I've been thinking of you and praying for you this week and just sat down to read your blog, wanted to catch up with how you're doing. You know, you have such a radiant smile, looking at your pictures, I can't help but beam! What a testimony you are.
We wll continue to pray for you!!!
BTW, Mitchel will be at Fowler next year, can you believe it!
Blessings on you friend. Love, Tonya
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